Being the only daughter and the youngest out of two children in the family, I am naturally very protected by my parents, in particular, my dad. Unlike my brother, I can hardly stay out late (past 12 midnight). However, once in a while, I will try to push the limit so that I can spend more time with my friends. Moreover, which young adult doesn’t stay out late?
There was once when my friends and I had a Christmas party at one of my friend’s place just 15 minutes’ drive away from my place. It was a gathering for our group of close friends whom I have known since my Secondary school days. Moreover, it was an especially joyous occasion since my best friend just came back from Australia for vacation. We hung out till around 4 am and I took a cab home with 2 of my friends who stayed near me.
However, I was shocked to find the door to my house locked from the inside. Luckily, my brother came to my rescue. My dad was waiting angrily for me at 4 am! He started giving me a dressing-down the moment I stepped in. Strong-headed like I always have been, I just ignored him and went ahead to wash up and sleep. I did not register anything that he said, let alone respond to him.
The next morning, I still treated him as though he was invisible. My mom, who usually acts as the mediator in the family, told me that my dad was only being protective of me. He dotes on me the most and was worried for me. In addition, he was also upset that I have not been spending much time with the family. She suggested that I apologize to my dad for her sake as she is, too, badly affected (emotionally) by the conflict. Being egoistic and stubborn, I disregarded what she said about my dad. However, I did apologize to my dad as I did not want to see my mom upset. He said nothing and everything kind of got back to normal the next day. I guess we both just decided to forget about the incident.
Looking back at this conflict that we had, I feel a little guilty for upsetting my parents. I came to realize that what my mom said about my dad was very true. However, if I were to turn back time, I would have still hung out late with my friends as it was really a rare chance for everyone to be present. Moreover, the activities that I engaged in had no form of indecency involved. In fact, my parents knew of my friends a long time ago.
However, I could have handled the issue more appropriately and sensitively so that a conflict could have been avoided. I had only informed my mom about me staying out late, but not my dad. My dad is very protective of me and always sees me as his baby girl. I could have assured him of my safety by telling him in detail who, where and what the gathering was about. This could have been especially helpful as he may have had a hard week at work and me being his precious daughter, was not there to show him some love and concern. By letting him know that I respect him and see him as being important to me, he may be more understanding and agreeable of me staying out late. At the same time, I could have negotiated an appropriate time to be home so that my dad can keep track of my whereabouts.
If the conflict had really been unavoidable, I should also not have approached it in the way that I did. I was too hot-headed and irrational at that moment. Emotions and ego took the better of me and I just did not want to lose out. This is a part of my personality which I 'inherited' from my dad, which is not exactly a good thing. I should have cooled down and be more rational and sensitive. It was also essential that I pay attention to what he said like what an active listener will do.
The conflict is actually a blessing in disguise as I have learnt to appreciate and treasure our family harmony more now (which I am sure my dad feels the same).
If you were in my shoes, and were given a chance to turn back time, would you still have made the same decision as I did? If yes, how would you have approached the situation so that harmony can be maintained?
My lovely family (:
.jpg)
3 comments:
Hi Jia Hwa, your experience is not uncommon. I have never gone home later than 10pm but my sister has come home at 4am like you and gotten a similar dressing-down from my parents.
In order not to antagonise our protective parents over coming home late, I believe the suggestion that you made about informing both our father and mother earlier on about where we are going, why we are staying out late and who we are with is correct.
It would be good to also sms them when you are out and tell them approximately what time you will be back. Make a call if necessary to reassure them that you are fine.
I think it would have been better if you had appeased your dad on the spot instead of letting it brew over to the next morning. It is never good to let bitterness build up between family members, so it is lucky that you resolved it eventually.
Ah, this is the most classic case that every young adult (especially girls) have to face.
I've been mad at my parents to the point that I didn't want to speak to them the day after the incident. But usually, it tends to mend by itself after a few days.
I've mastered this perfectly so that there would be no misunderstanding between me and my parents, especially my dad. And it works for me every time!
This is what I usually do:
1) ALWAYS give them a heads-up that you will be coming home late. Usually, I give my dad an SMS or inform him before I leave the house.
2) ALWAYS tell them what you are up to. Usually, I will tell them I will be having supper with my Theatre friends. At least, they know where you are.
For some reason, my dad always wants to know how I will be getting home since there is no possible transport at 3am in the morning. Either I'm taking a cab or getting a ride
3) ALWAYS bring your keys. They don't want to wake up at 3am and groggily stumbled out of bed to open the door for you. You might just catch them in the middle of nice dream and end up getting a lecture for coming home late.
4) I always stay quiet when I'm getting scolded my parents. Yes, we are strong-headed youth. So it's better to keep our mouth shut and not worsen the situation. I know I will.
5) If trust and privilege (eg. staying out late) has been given to you, NEVER break it. Once its broken, its hard to gain it back from your parents. Never lie.
Note that they are concerned about your safety, especially if you are a girl and if you rarely come home later than 1 a.m.
My parents, especially my mom, are good at playing the 'Guilty' card. I mean REALLY good! I always feel guilty at the slightest thing they say. They usually use it when they want me to do something.
Illya
I guess such incident happens to many people. Needless to say, my siblings and I may sometimes forget about the time when we were with our friends. When parents get worried and worked up, they will start to scold and nag. But people usually hate getting scolded. Therefore, we normally retaliate by yelling back at our parents or totally ignoring them. The conflict will only become worse.
I must say, managing feelings is a very difficult but yet important skill in resolving conflict. During quarrels, people tend then to just shoot everything and anything that comes to mind, even those which they often times don't meant or may regret saying. Other irrelevant issues may even be brought into the argument causing the lost of focus on the actual problem. Managing feelings allow one to cool down and in the process, think of the best way to tell the other party the problem and what they are unhappy about. Active listening will also play a part to resolve the conflict. It allows people to understand the thoughts and feelings of the other party.
With the two skills, people can then come together to come out with the best solution that can benefit both party .
Post a Comment